It is so easy, to just run. Run as fast as you can and try to leave the past behind you. I know, I’ve been there. If I could just run faster, or turn off my thoughts about my past then things would be okay. Ignoring everything that happened didn’t make things better, it just turned them into deeper, more complicated problems.
For so long, I wanted to just turn off the thoughts in my head from the past. I had more evil, scary memories than I did good, for awhile. Nightmares were an everyday occurrence. I hated going to sleep for fear of the horrid dreams that would always came. So many nights, lying awake late at night, just trying to stay awake where I could control the conscious side of my brain.
Running had worked for me for so long. I had gone to counseling. I had dealt with the physical and emotional abuse of my past. So I thought. But what I didn’t realize was that all of my relationships were suffering and I didn’t even know it. I was holding people at a distance and not really letting anyone in. From my kids, to my husband, to my parents, to my brothers and sisters. I pretended that everything was okay, knowing that if I told them the real truth, that I would come undone at the seams.
Till one day, I found that I didn’t trust my husband. I was always stressed out about having the house clean, being the perfect mom, trying to be a great coach and teacher at the same time. I was so busy trying to earn love and affection from others, by doing good works and being perfect that I took my frustration out on everyone around me. I didn’t love myself for who I really was, nor did I see a loving God that had always been there for me. A God that loved me just the way that I am. I saw a useless, piece of crap woman that didn’t seem to get anything right.
I was a perfectionist. If I could just help out with one more organization, then I would be good enough. If I could just make my husband happy, then that would make me whole. If my kids were happy and acted perfect themselves, then I was a great mom. All these feelings of needing and wanting to be perfect, led to an empty hole. The more I tried, the more that I found wrong with myself. I was my own worst critic, and it didn’t matter what anyone else said, I didn’t believe them. I needed to figure it out myself.
Blaming others, is easier than taking a look in the mirror. Because, when I looked in the mirror, I did not like the person that I was. I was harsh, judgemental, hard to please, and stressed out all the time. I wanted to have peace in my life more than anything, but didn’t know how to get it. It always seemed like a fantasy land that evaded my grasp. A wisp of wind that flew between my fingers. And even, when I seemed to have peace during circumstantial moments, it was gone as fast as it came.
I needed to find peace for myself and my family. And it started with ME.
I started reading a book by Beth Moore, called “Insecurity.” She had numerous stories about others who struggled with the same things as I did. They all, never felt like they were good enough. They had all gone through things in their past that made them feel insufficient in their lives. They heard the lies, that were being whispered in their ears and believed them daily, that said, “You are not good enough,” No one will ever truly love you,” “You are crazy.” At least those were the words that I heard daily.
In the book, Beth talked about how she had suffered from insecurity in her life as well. She then painted a picture of our God that made me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. You see, God never asked me to do all of the things that I was doing. He never said that I needed to prove myself to Him (or anyone else for that matter). God truly loved me just the way that I was.
I want to say that I was changed right then and there, but that didn’t happen. My eyes however, were opened enough to see that it didn’t matter what I had gone through in my life, that I was the problem. I had to learn to stop listening to the lying voices that showed me false propaganda about myself. That I had a choice: to keep on believing that I would never be good enough, or start seeing myself the way that God saw me, as a beautiful creation just the way that I am.
It wasn’t easy. I would take two steps forward then one step back. I would think that my insecurity was starting to fade, then I would go out on a date with my husband and feel like I wasn’t good enough for him. There were so many girls around me that were much better looking than I was. Then, I would remind myself that it was a lie and start praying. It took a lot of work.
I started memorizing scripture too. This seemed like the key to undoing Satan’s grip that he had on me. The minute that he would start whispering those lies in my head, I would spout off scripture. I would even tell him to shutup. Which he did. Each day felt a little better. I finally started to feel like I was in control of my life.
I would like to say that I am all put together today, that I do not suffer from insecurity, but I still do. The great thing is that it isn’t half as bad as it use to be. I do not feel the need to say “yes” to everyone. I do not feel like my house needs to be clean all the time. I do not have to have an amazingly home cooked meal every night. I do not need to be the perfect wife or mother to my family. I now know that I will make mistakes and that it is okay.
I still struggle with my insecurity in my marriage, but not like I use too. I do not have anxiety and panic attacks, when we go out on dates together. I do not feel like I have to perform in the bedroom or dress sexy all the time, to be a great wife. The thing is now I want to dress sexier because I love him, not because I feel the need to do so, so that I do not lose him. I am still waiting on wanting to perform in the bedroom more, but for now I will take the grace that God has given our sex life and keep trusting that he will continue to help us grow in the area of intimacy.
So if you are looking for peace this holiday season, it is not found in the next coffee shop around the corner. It is found in the Hallmark Christmas movies, though they are wonderful to watch. It is not found in times of quietness. It is found in the middle of the crazy chaos we call life. It is found in Jesus.
Stay with me this holiday season as we continue to find JOY and PEACE in the midst of it all!!