The Temptation of the Double Line

The Temptation

How many times have we thought, what could this little temptation do to hurt me? Just a small fracture of not following the rules. Knowing that what I am about to do is not good for me, but it isn’t really that bad, right? We have all been there. The feeling of temptation and wanting to fill up our tank with an emotion that feels so good. Not realizing that we are filling our tanks with a gas that leads to engine failure.

Driving Between the Lines

As you drive your car down the road, you have a pretty white line on the right side of you and then there are those double yellow lines. Staring you in the face, telling you not to cross over. For the most part we do a good job at staying on our side of the lines, until those temptations come in that cause us to cross over.

One of the biggest temptations in a car is your cell phone. If people are constantly texting you, calling you, maybe you even receive Facebook or email pop-ups to let you know that you are wanted. The need sometimes to just look at the phone. See who is contacting you. To make sure that it is not an emergency, weighs out over the common sense rule that we are driving. That looking at our phone is not the best idea and that it could hurt you or possibly even kill you, might cross your mind. But, oh, that need to just look at the phone takes over and before you know it, you have your phone in your hand, not paying attention to the road and cross those dreaded double yellow lines.

What about kids arguing in the back. Yelling at each other, or yelling for you to help them. Mom!! Dad!! Talking really loudly. You keep trying to make sure that everyone is okay. Or, the time when they spill something and it keeps leaking as your driving. All those distractions that they don’t mean to cause, but usually do, can lead to disaster on the road.

The need to turn the radio station. The want to have another sip of coffee. The have to’s that make us turn our eyes away from the road, even if just for a second, causing our car to drift into an area on the road where we are not wanted. It can be so complicated to drive safely, yet, we have to drive to get where we need to go.

Temptation in Life

The same thing happens in life. You are going through life and everything seems to being going fine, then one day, a certain small temptation arises and you take it. What could it hurt? It’s only a small problem. How far can it go?

“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, prowls around

like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)

That small temptation, always leads to bigger problems. I have never read a story about someone that gave into a small temptation, that led to them wanting that sinful item less. Usually it leads to wanting that enticement more and more till it takes you over.

It starts with a whisper in your ear, “Take it. It won’t hurt you.” And that voice keeps whispering, till your flesh gives in. How weak is our flesh? Every time that I have ever tried to quite doing something or start a better habit in my life, my own will power fizzles out within a week or two. But, if I let God be in control of my life and I follow where he wants me to go, then life is much easier. I am able to fight off the temptation without too much of a fight. That doesn’t mean that I don’t still have temptation in my life, I do, but at least I have a secret weapon that allows me to turn away and say “no.”

Temptation Arises

I have never suffered with drug or alcohol addiction, thank God, literally. I have never suffered from a sexually addiction. But I have suffered from a heart addiction. During my last marriage, I would find myself attracted to other men quite frequently. This happened when my ex-husband and I would be struggling in our relationship. I was going to college at the time and there were times when other men in my class would take the time to talk to me. Show me that they cared about me. Listened to my problems. This led me to think about leaving my ex-husband for something that seemed better.

This happened at least two times. The second time, I would find myself waking up in the middle of the night, after having a sexual dream with me and the other man. I would be so scared of my own thoughts. I couldn’t leave. We were married and had a daughter together. What kind of person would do that? But the thoughts kept coming. The feelings got stronger. I would long to see that other person when I went to college. And I couldn’t stop myself from wanting that other person. It was horrible. I would talk to my friends about leaving my ex-husband or cry about the guilt that I had from these feelings. No matter what I did though, the feelings never went away.

I never physically did anything with any of these men, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t want to. I had an emotional affair on my ex-husband and he never knew. I hated myself for these feelings and thoughts. I lived with guilt for so long that it would eat me alive some-days. That is how I lived for the longest time.

How to Stop Temptation 

I am currently remarried, and vowed to never feel the way that I did in my previous marriage about another man. This would take time and effort and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own.

I started going to church regularly, right after I left my ex-husband, and before I met my current husband. I even started going to ladies’ Bible study and reading the Bible more. I felt this urge and need to fill my life with God. It was the only way that I felt whole. If I didn’t fill my life with Him, then there was this want to go out and drink away the pain. Instead, I ended up finding myself praying to God quite a bit throughout the day. I didn’t want to fall in love with someone else who would potentially hurt me in more ways than one, again. I wanted to have a life that was filled with God and whatever else came from that, so be it.

Well, I met my first husband and we fell in love pretty quickly. I still remember the first month that we were dating. We talked every night on the phone, after my two girls went to bed, and I would ask him every question under the sun. The ones that I asked the most were about his faith. I wanted someone to stand beside me, not behind me when it came to God.

We went to premarital counseling, because I thought that would fool proof our marriage, allowing us to never get a divorce. He talked a little bit about his pornography addiction, during the counseling sessions. I halfheartedly listened. I just thought that it wasn’t a big deal. He would figure it out on his own. That with prayer it would all go away. And for awhile it did. He threw away all of his old XXX movies, without me asking and I thought that was the end of it all. Boy, was I wrong.

After we got married, the pornography issue came back with a vengeance. I wanted nothing to do with it. For one, I had been cheated on by my ex-husband. Two, I was afraid of the feelings that might arise again. I was afraid that I would start to desire other men around me again, and I didn’t want that. I wanted to stay married this time. So I tried to watch the movies to make him happy, but all it did was make me mad, and start to tear away at our marriage.

When I said, “NO more,” to watching pornography, things got even worse. He pulled away and I became insecure and the thoughts of him cheating on me erupted. As I look back now, I know that God was testing us and the devil was tempting us. It was so hard. I wanted to make my husband happy, more than anything, but not at the cost of my faith. So I dove even more into the Bible. I started praying a lot. I was mad, confused, hurt and didn’t know what else to do.

There were times that divorce crossed my mind. I was so convinced that God had made a mistake. That my husband would be much better off with someone else. But, ever time that I prayed, God would tell me to, “Love your husband, the way that I love you.” Yeah right, I would often think. Then one day, the Holy Spirit convicted me to live that way. To love my husband, even when I don’t want to. Even when I a feel hurt. Even when he doesn’t deserve it. All of this because of listening to God.

You can pray all you want. You can read the Bible everyday. You can go to church and push yourself to help others. You can even force yourself to be selfless, but until you start to listen to God and obey Him, nothing will change. You will still be the person who tries to be Holy, by doing all the right things, yet still falls short and gives into temptation.

How has God helped you with your temptations in life?

 

 

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Insecurity – No Longer Needed!!!

Finding Myself In A Book

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I have fought with insecurity for years now. I have tried self-help books, Bible verses, Bible studies and more. I have come a long way from where I use to be, but I want to be someone who doesn’t let her mistakes bring her down. Down so low that I want to quit whatever it is that I started. That even happened with this website. Well no more, and I want to tell you why.

Past Insecurity

I have dealt with insecurity my whole life. Some people probably think that I am crazy for feeling this way, but I do. I have always been a petite girl with blond hair and blue eyes. I should be happy because I am beautiful on the outside, while inside I still fight my fears and insecurities.

I went through some pretty bad heart aches in my teen years and I let them determine what path that I choose. I was dumped by my first boyfriend who immediately started dating another girl. Then I bounced around from boyfriend to boyfriend, trying to find a place where I belonged. Not realizing that I never took the time to figure out who I really was. Then my senior year I fell in love with a boy that went into basic training for the army. I vowed to wait for him and I did, only to find out that when he had come home around Christmas time, he  had slept with another girl in our town. That was it. I decided that I just wouldn’t care about anyone or anything anymore. This way no would could hurt me again. I kept everyone that I loved at arms length, knowing that I was leaving for college soon, far away.

I went off to college for one semester and lost myself even more. I fought so hard to fit in. I wanted everyone to like me. I sold myself short for who I really was and how much I was worth it. I became sad and scared at school, so I decided to come back home right after my first semester. I didn’t even believe in myself enough to stick it out through the spring semester.

When I came back home I went into an even deeper hole. I started using drugs, drinking all the time, moving from place to place at the age of 17. I would party to numb my insecurities. It would help me to be able to talk to other people. It also made me feel alive and cool. I hung out with people that didn’t care about me. I do not even talk to a single person today that I hung out with then. I was lost, confused and scared.

I met my ex-husband during one of these many parties that I went to. We started hanging out and things moved quickly. The only way to have a boy truly like you or stick around was to sleep with him, right, so I did. Three months into our relationship, we found out that I was pregnant. talk about crazy. We both loved to drink and do drugs, yet we were suppose to be good parents in less than 9 months, even though we only knew each other for such a short time.

We ended up getting our own place and having the baby. It was a girl. I had her 10 days after I turned 19. Within this whirlwind, I found myself crying a lot. I was so sad and fearful. My insecurities of, will I be a good enough mother, rang in my ears all the time. I was working as a CNA full time, while her dad worked as a wood builder and we tried to make it work.

For awhile being a mother, helped me to step my game up. I didn’t go out and drink nearly as much as I used to. My focus was on her and how I had to become a somebody for her. The problem was that her dad and I fought all the time. He was constantly controlling and would question me about my every move. We split up when she was 18 months, only to end up back together 9 months later. I believed that he would change.

We both started to go to college. We both worked at least a part time job as well. Then we tried to be good parents in the middle of it all. He ended up with a DWI one night and now instead of two people being able to drive to college, there was only one. Which wouldn’t have been so bad had his college not been in the opposite direction as mine. I kept trying to tell my family about all of the good things that he was doing. Hiding the real truth. I didn’t want anyone to know how bad it really was. I didn’t want anyone to come to our house, afraid that it wasn’t clean enough. I didn’t like to cook anything for others, knowing that I was a horrible cook, or so I thought. The insecurities started to choke the life out of me.

Then for some dumb reason we decided that we would get married. It only seemed right that after being together for 6 years that we should take the next step in our relationship. Our daughter was now 5 years old, I was 24 and the future looked bright, even though it was in false pretense. I ended up with a teaching job, as a kindergarten teacher 3 months later. He started his own business as an electrician. We even bought a beautiful new house. Life seemed like it might actually work out for us, but that notion lasted only a short time. He started drinking again and doing drugs. I think that the stress of the new business along with keeping up with our bills from the new house was too much.

He became Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. When he wasn’t drinking he was a great husband and dad. But when he was drinking or on drugs he was physically and emotionally abusive. He started being controlling again, but much worse this time. He would yell at me for putting on make-up, accusing me of cheating on him. He controlled what I wore to work or anywhere outside of the house. He started telling me that I was a horrible cook. Why couldn’t I keep the house clean like a real wife? Everything that I did, was met with a negative statement. I with drew from everything. I started not going to functions with friends. I wouldn’t talk with my family as much. I didn’t even want to get out of bed.

Then the physical abuse came. Always letting me know that it was my fault. No matter what I did, it was never right. I was told repeatedly that I was crazy and that no one beside him could ever love me. He let me know that I was the one who was ruining the marriage. Man, how I believed him. I was so beaten down, I didn’t even no I was worth anything anymore.

The Turn Around

One day my mom called me and said that she was sending me a program she had seen for anxiety and depression. At first I thought that she was crazy, but once I received it, I started to realize who badly misshaped I was on the inside. I felt like I had no value. I would sweat and become scared if I was around a lot of people. I would physically have to leave places because I thought that I was going to lose it and people would really see that I was crazy. That everything my ex-husband was saying would come true.

I started doing the anxiety and depression program on my own at night, so that my ex-husband wouldn’t find out. It was a 15 week program and everyday I started to feel better. By about the 10th week into the program I realized that I still needed more help, so I started to see a counselor, again without my ex-husband knowing. The counselor that I went to was a Christian counselor. She helped me to see that all the things that I thought about myself, were not true. She helped me to see my self worth from God’s perspective. I even started going to church on Sundays. Even though my ex-husband would throw a fit and threaten to teach our daughter about the devil.

Finally, I started to devise a plan on how to leave my ex-husband and still live. He threatened to kill me so many times if I ever decided to leave him, and I believed that he would. It took me months but, I finally figured out a plan. On August 25, 2008 I left. I moved in with my step-mom and never looked back. I would like to say that I have not had any problems with insecurity since then and that I lived happily ever after, but not true.

The Black Cloud That Never Leaves

Since my leaving my ex-husband I have grown in God so much. I started going to a ladies’ Bible study, church every Sunday, even Sunday school. The more that I immersed myself in God, the more I felt happier, calmer, less fearful about somethings. I even gave control of my life to God. I still have times when I feel scared and insecure and I still wait sometimes for something bad to happen. This fear will not leave me.

I am now remarried with 3 kids. They are 15, 8 and 5. I have been married for a little over 4 years and my current husband is amazing. He is a hard worker, great dad, loving husband, and does not get drunk. He is my everything and with that comes the fear.

You see, I found out that my ex-husband had also been cheating on me for quite sometime with a girl that was much younger than me. I found out that it was really true after I left him. I had been told that he was cheating on me, when I was 6 months pregnant with our second child. This was the second time that someone that I cared about had not been faithful. I kept questioning myself. There had to be a problem with me. For two different people to have slept with someone else while we were together, made me sick with insecurity. And now here I am with someone else that vows to be faithful, and sometimes all I can feel, is fear. Fear that he will leave me. Fear that he will cheat on me. Fear of being hurt again. Just fear.

The black cloud of fear that is caused by insecurity, just doesn’t leave me alone. I have read numerous Christian self help books on insecurity, trying to claw my way out of the storm. I have read the Bible and prayed for it to go away, and it is better now, but it still shows up when I least expect it. I have even written Bible verses on cards and memorized them trying to break free, but I keep falling and in the process hurting those that I love the most.

So What Changed?

Last night I was taking a bath and reading a book called “The Hope Quotient HQ,” by Ray Johnston. In this book he talks about how, if we have hope, then we can accomplish anything. I was reading his section on “Life Strategy 3 – Shake It Off and Step Up.” He talked about how everyone fails in life, but that those who brush themselves off and get up again will be able to make “God-sized” dreams come to life. Then he wrote “Fear – I’m filled with insecurity. ‘God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind.’ (2 Timothy 1:7)” I stopped reading, got out of the tub immediately and started working on this blog.

You see, God literally slapped me in the face with this verse. The rush of excitement and knowing that this is it, was all I could take. I just started typing and I haven’t stopped since. The emotions are flooding out of me as I take a deep breath and realize that my self worth has been right there in front of me all along. I didn’t need a self-help book, or counselor or even anyone else around me to validate who I am. God has already done this for me.

I have known that Jesus died for me even while I am a sinner, yet he still washed away my sins. I do not have to be super mom, or an amazing wife or even someone that changes the world. I can just be myself. The stay-at-home mom, who homeschools her kids and a wife. I can breathe and stop worrying about trying to be more than I am. Trying to do great things so that others will notice me and compliment me and maybe then it will make me feel worth while. This whole time, the one thing that I needed to take away my fear was right in front of me. I was just too busy, stuck in my own head, trying to do works to prove my self-worth to myself and the world around me. “And if he chose them by grace, it is not for the works they have done. If they could be made God’s people by the works they did, God’s gift of grace would not really be a gift.” (Romans 11:6). I do not have to prove myself to anyone by the works that I do, God’s grace is sufficient enough.

So as I sit here, typing a hundred miles a minute, I feel free. Free from the bondage that Satan put on me when I was little. The bondage of insecurity. The feeling that I would never be good enough. How many times has my fear and insecurity held me back from doing things that I have wanted to do? How many times have I fought with my current husband over my insecurities? How many more times will this happen? Well I say NO MORE!! Satan can take all of his lies and go back to Hell where he came from. I am a daughter of God and it is about time that I started to act like it.

I know that I will fall into my old habit of feeling scared and insecure sometimes, but now I know that I do not have to play along. I am good enough just the way that I am. I will remind myself that every time that I start feeling insecure and stay there, that I am really letting Satan win. I am too good for that, my family is too good for that and we all deserve better.

Prayer

I pray that all of you that are held captive by your fears and insecurities will read this and remind yourself of your worth in God. Don’t walk to him, run. Let him know that you need him, because until you know your worth in God, your fears will continue to haunt you like a black cloud.

Dear Lord,

I pray that you give everyone reading this blog, including me, the strength and protection to move forward from our fears. Help us to stand strong when it feels like the black cloud of insecurity is coming to rain on us again. Show us the light at the end of the storm. I know that you love us just the way that we are, now help us to believe it so deeply that it becomes all that we know. Thank you Lord for sending your son, Jesus, to die for us. That type of love should never be forgotten and should remind us how much you love us. Amen.

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You Are Loved, “Just The Way You Are!!”

God Made You The Way That You Are For A Reason

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     Do you ever feel like everything that you do is never good enough? I am a failure. I do not look good enough. I do not work hard enough. I wish that I could cook better, keep the house clean, make more money, and the list goes on……… Did you know that Satan loves it when you believe these lies. You see we wait for our fellow man to validate us, but God already has.

Beat Down In My First Marriage

After my first marriage I was beat down and very insecure. I had been told so many times that just about everything that I did was not right. My cooking was always awful. I could never keep the house clean enough. I never dressed the right way. Even the music that I listened to was wrong. I left that marriage feeling so lost. I didn’t even remember who I was anymore. So I started on a journey (with God), to figure it out.

Figuring Out Who I Am In God

I started seeing a Christian counselor. My favorite advice from her was, before I started dating again I had to figure out who I was. I had to make a list of what I was not willing to settle for. You see I always wanted to help other people. This led me to dating people that needed to be fixed. In the end though, when I couldn’t fix them, I was the one who needed to be fixed the most. So I made her a promise that I would find someone that didn’t need to be fixed. Someone that was secure, could stand on their own two feet and someone who believed in God.

Next I started going to ladies Bible study on Tuesday nights. I loved being around a bunch of women who were so welcoming. I always felt safe. The Bible questions and in depth discussions led me to want to know more. So I started to read the Bible more. We also had small group prayer time. This allowed me to let them know that I needed their prayers. After awhile, I let them know, most of what was going on in my life with the divorce. They hugged me and prayed for me. Right then I knew that God was calling me back to him.

While I was taking time to find myself in God’s eyes, I had friends that kept begging me to go out with them. Oh, how I wanted to go to the bars. I wanted other guys to hit on me. I wanted their validation that I was still pretty and desirable. NO!! There validation was shallow and meaningless. God loved me “Just the way I am.” I didn’t need them or any other man or person to validate me anymore.

In our world, how you dress, what you drive, who you talk to, how much money you make, the kind of house you live in, and more, all determines how successful your life is. And, now that I am a homeschooling mom, I have had to get over the worldly ideals of what success is again. There are times when I beat myself up.

“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.” (Psalm 13:5)

     God loves us. He will always love us. Even when we make a mistake. Even if we do not put on makeup that day. Even if we do not get all the chores done. Even if we have a bad day. God will always love us, just the way we are. What a wonderful reassurance. To know that I do not have to wait for the world to see me as a beautiful, successful women. All I have to do is give it to God, for He already thinks that I am beautiful and successful just the way that I am.

How To Find God When You Are Insecure

Realize that you are human. You are going to have times that you feel confident and times that we fall flat on your face. Where insecurity rears its’ evil head and feels like it is going to consume you. The feeling of wanting to run away, hid or become angry resurfaces and you can not get it to stop. Why is it that I can not beat insecurity on my own?

The world around us, sin and all, wants us to remain insecure. Needing to buy more make-up, clothes, hair products and more to make ourselves feel better. Maybe we feel the need to get a better job, make more money, drive a newer car and have a house that looks like it came out of a magazine, but those needs never fill in the hole of insecurity in your heart. You might even feel like you need a boyfriend/girlfriend, make your spouse love you more or even be recognized as someone who is a catch for your insecurity to shrink away. I am here to tell you that none of that works. You see, there will always be someone who is better looking, drives a nicer car, has more money, or dresses better than you. The idea of more, better, best is an illusion that we run after but, we can never catch. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yet, we continue to keep running, like a hamster on a wheel, trying to make ourselves feel confident. Let’s get off the wheel and find a life full of self confidence.

I fought with self-confidence for years. For people that just see me around town, that would be shocked to here me say that. I run the youth soccer program in our town, I was a public school teacher for 9 years, I was a youth group leader, and I am 104 pounds, 5′ 4″ tall with blonde hair and blue eyes. I have it all. So they think. If they only knew how scared, anxious and insecure I am all the time, their perceptions of me would change. So how can someone seem to be so put together and yet suffer so much.

Anyone can put on a good show in public, it is who you are behind closed doors that matters. God sees it all. From what you think to way you say and do. That made me sit up and pay attention. Who was I fooling? Nobody. I needed to get myself together, for myself, my kids and especially my husband.

I started reading the Bible everyday. I needed to be near to God. I needed to read his words and here the truth. I needed to feel loved and accepted for who I am. Just the way that I am. I could have looked for that in my husband, but, he is only human and would eventually let me down. I couldn’t base my security and self-confidence in anyone else. I had to rely on God and myself to change.

I found that I had to give my insecurity to God. I had to be honest with myself and others around me with who I really am. I couldn’t hide my insecurities anymore. I needed to be real. This was really hard for me. It meant telling my husband that I felt insecure when there was another pretty girl around. It meant telling my kids that I was sorry for getting grumpy when I felt like I wasn’t a good enough mother. It meant telling myself that I had problems with being self-confident.

When I gave my insecurities to God, they didn’t just disappear. They seemed to diminish a little, but I still felt insecure. I found that I had to pray before, during and after my bought of insecurity would come. I had to use God’s power to fight off my lack of self-confidence. I had to stand firm on his foundation and just be me. What a scary thought. To be myself in spite of not feeling good enough. But, it worked. I slowly started to feel more confident. I would find insecurity creeping back into my thoughts, moods and want to just crawl into a hole. Instead, I would pray. I’d ask God for the strength to overcome my feelings of insecurity. That he would show me what he saw in me. That I would know that he loves me just the way that I am. That I would feel secure in myself because I am a daughter of God. That his love is sufficient when the rest of the world screams more, better, best. That I can stop trying to be someone I’m not and just rest in God. That is the best feeling ever. That is how you overcome insecurity.

So go ahead. If you still suffer from insecurity and have tried to beat it, why don’t you turn to God? What do you have to lose?

 

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No Way, I Can’t Do That

Feeling Like You Are Never Good Enough

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I am not good enough. Lets just get that on the table. I am not a good speaker. I suffer from anxiety. I can get angry easily and selfish about my time. I want what I want on certain days. Overall, I am an average mom, wife and believer in God. Or am I?

My Personal Trial

For awhile now God has been asking me to start a Community Gathering in my home. Almost like having a small church meeting at your house. I have been so scared, to even think about starting this gathering, that I have been avoiding the idea altogether. God wants me to let people into my messy home, cook them a meal and then help them to grow in their faith. WOW!! I feel like he asked a 5 foot 4, white, skinny girl, to try out for a professional football team. Not to say that that wouldn’t be hilarious to see. But, this is my home. This is where my family and I have time together. He is asking me to give it all to his cause. I am a little overwhelmed and appalled. What if all I want is a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee and to sit down and watch my favorite cooking show. Right now, I don’t feel like I will ever be good enough to start this mission.

Jesus as an Example

Jesus Christ was an amazing example of sacrifice. He would preach to people for hours. He would heal a lot of people in one day. He would help anyone whenever they needed it, no matter the cost. He was selfless and something to aspire to. But, how could I ever measure up to that. He was God’s son. He was truly filled with the holy Spirit, from head to toe and all of the cracks in between. On a good day I might feel like my feet are filled with the spirit. Other days, I swear that the Holy Spirit took a vacation. Never the less, I must look at what God is asking me, and realize that I am not doing this alone.

“And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they 

have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into

light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things that I do, and

I do not forsake them.” (Isaiah 42:16). 

     I am blind. I do not see the big picture of what is to come. I know that I should just take the first step forward, but I am afraid that I will never be able to turn back if it gets too hard. What if I stop being afraid and started just having faith? God is the almighty one. He knows who you are and what you are capable of. He knows that with his power, we can do anything. Now if I can just get myself to believe that statement.

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

     Oh, if I could just keep repeating this verse all day, maybe, I wouldn’t be such a scaredy cat. Maybe I could stand up on my own two feet and announce that I am starting a Community Gathering? But, today, I feel so weak. Today, I look in the mirror and see a girl who has so many flaws and scars. And again, wonder, why God would want ME, to start something so sacred.

Satan

Satan has his ways of holding us down, so that we can never get up and follow God. His lies embed themselves into our soul and hide away until just the right time, when they come to the surface and knock us back down. His deception is far greater than we can understand. Sometimes naively thinking that we can handle all of his negativity on our own. That with our own will power we will fight and win. But why do this when we have the one who is victorious all the time?

“Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” (James 4:7).

     Satan has done a very good job at reminding me that I am a nobody. He wants me to believe that I will never be good enough for my husband, my kids, my family and everyone else around me. If I were to listen to him whisper in my ear all the time, I would probably hide under my bed covers and stay there all day. But, lately, I tell him to shut up. I have started saying scripture and reminding myself that God made me who I am for a reason. That no one could be a better me, than ME!!

For me to be able to take the first step in following God and obeying what he is asking me to do, I have to squash all the what ifs in my head. For, most of them come from Satan, implanting doubts and the thoughts of inability within myself.

“Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God I will praise His word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear.” (Psalm 56:3).

To Conquer

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him 

who loved us. (Romans 8:37)

     To conquer means to, gain control of, through great effort. With God you can do all of this and more. You can gain control and then have joy through all of it. With God, the conquering part is just the beginning. It’s what comes after that, that is the spectacular show of his power. The fireworks, that start slow and kind of quiet. Their brilliant colors and lingering traces. How the sky lights up in the most delightful way. The fluttering and rapid movements that each kind of firework brings. To the building up of the most amazing grand finale that has so many colors and loud bursts of joy that you can hardly contain yourself. And when the fireworks are over, people cheer. The display of glory that they showcased, left you breathless and smiling from ear to ear. The effect it leaves on your brain is compelling. What if our life is suppose to be like this? What if God is waiting, patiently, watching our every move, until we finally take the first step forward, in obeying and following him? To start the first fireworks in our life. To end with such a loud array of colors and sounds that everyone around us knows that God was with us. That God was in us.

firework                          firework1

No More Waiting

    What are we waiting for? I know for myself. I am not waiting anymore. Starting August 17, I will be having the first Community Gathering in my home. Please pray for me and my family as we venture out onto God’s path. For we know that God knows better than we do.

    Please join me in taking the first step towards a life that is lined with God’s plan. A life that is unexpected and challenging, yet more rewarding than we could ever imagine.

     If God has been asking you to do something and you have not taken the first step. Please write in the comment section below, detailing your struggle with what is holding you back. If you have decided to take the first step today, please tell me about that too. Let’s encourage one another to rise up and take that first step in following God. NO more thinking that we are not good enough.

“If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31)

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Insecurity – The Devil’s Lies

devil

Insecurity

Insecurity has reared it’s ugly head at me lately. I want to run, to scream and to make it go away. The thing is that I can not conquer my insecurity if I do not stand and fight it.

My previous marriage brought about a lot insecurity. I was emotionally abused constantly. I was told that I never cleaned the house enough, my cooking was horrible and that I was so crazy no one else would ever love me. Everyday I heard these lies and everyday I fell into the trap of insecurity and believing these lies. When I was six months pregnant with my second child I found out that my husband had been cheating on me for awhile. I was devastated beyond belief. When I asked him if it were true he denied it. I wanted to believe him so much that I made up lies in my head to avoid the truth. I had horrible pains in my stomach that night and I was so afraid that I was going to lose the baby, thank God that I didn’t. Everyday after that I checked his cell phone, sometimes I would follow him to work, or make him stay at home. But, then the disappearing act of leaving in the middle of the night started to happen. I would fall asleep and wake up to my husband gone and me not knowing where he was. When he finally came home I would lose it and scream at him. It was such a mess. I was such a mess.  I didn’t realize at the time but he had beaten my down so much that I didn’t have enough back bone to leave. I finally started to get help for myself. I started to do an anti-anxiety program at home and going to a Christian counselor without my husband knowing. Then I started to make a plan to leave him. I was afraid to leave because he had told me many times that he would kill me if I ever left him or tried to take his daughters away from him. Leaving was the best thing that I ever did.

Once I left, I still had a lot of insecurity. Now the devil kept whispering all of the lies in my ears that my ex-husband used to tell me. They played like a broken record in my mind all the time. I started to read the Bible and go to ladies Bible study every week. Eventually I met my current husband. The problem was that I had not fixed the insecurities that I had from the previous relationship, so they spilled into my new relationship. I refused to let my ex-husband or the devil have a strong hold on me in any way, any more. I started to pray to God all the time to give me the ability to forgive my ex-husband for the things that he did. At first it was really hard, but eventually I started to forgive him and feel better. Then I started to read “So Long Insecurity,” by, Beth Moore. It was refreshing to hear other people share their stories about insecurity and how they had over come them. Finally relief. I felt confident and strong. Nothing was going to stop me.

Well I ran into a woman one day that told me she was seeing a married man. The married man’s wife was pregnant and the wife had no idea that her husband was cheating on her. I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to literally flatten her to the ground. Then when I was at a get together she was there, and now she was around my husband. All the insecurity came running back in. I had a really big panic attack. I wanted to run away. I wanted to cry. I didn’t deserve to be hurt again. Didn’t I go through enough.

Eventually I ended up in the shower later that night screaming at God “Why are you doing this to me?” After screaming at him for a few minutes He said “Because you run away. You need to stand and fight.” I finally got it. I had worked on my insecurity when I didn’t feel threatened by anything. I didn’t really put them to the test and fight the insecurity away. So now I am going to fight. I am going to study God’s Word, pray and reread the “So Long Insecurity” book till I fight away my fears.

The next time I come across another woman who is threatening to me I will tell myself that “I am a women of God. If God is with me, who can be against me?” I will tell the devil to “SHUTUP!!!” I will pray to God to help me make my insecure feelings go away In time I will be the confident woman that God made me to be.

insecurity

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