Wrenching Yourself Out of The Darkness
You Cannot Find The Light On Your Own
About 9 years ago, I lived in constant darkness. I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I contemplated suicide many times. I would play scenarios of crashing my car into a lake or tree. Watching myself die in those dreams and feel peace about it. So many times I would be cutting up vegetables for dinner, and I all I wanted to do was take the knife and slit my throat. To end my misery. I am so thankful that I had a daughter. I know because of her, I didn’t go through with it.
This is a picture of a tractor trailer that my dad’s company picked up three days ago. The whole engine is a mess. Pieces are melted together, wires are hanging and their are holes burnt through everything. It smells horrible. The sight of the truck makes you sick inside. The only thought I kept having is did the truck driver make it out alive. This is how the inside of my heart was. An absolute mess. Things were broken that should have worked. I tried to kick start myself each day, but there was no spark. Just like this truck, I was melted together with holes and I felt like I couldn’t be fixed. Who could fix this type of mess?
I wanted so badly to smile. To wake up and face the day with a positive outlook. To see the world around me as colorful and pleasant, but it wasn’t like that for me. I saw negativity in everything around me. It was like the shadows had their own shadows. Things were always dark and gloomy even on the brightest of sunny days. I would go to work and try to pretend that my life was great. Who was I fooling? My life was a mess and I didn’t know how to fix it. I decided that it was time to try going to church. I wasn’t sure what difference that would make in my life, but I had to do something. So I woke up early one Sunday and told my daughter (who was almost 6 at the time), to put on a nice dress, we were going to church. And we did. We went to a small church in Avoca, NY. I was so nervous and embarrassed that I was walking into God’s house a wreck. I looked all put together on the outside, but inside I was screaming. It was like try to hold a beehive full of angry wasps that threaten to sting you to death, if you made the wrong move. I must have held my breath for what felt like 15 minutes. I was waiting for someone to run over to me and yell “FAKE!!” For them to see me, for who I really was. It never happened. Just the opposite occurred. People started smiling at me, saying “Hi,” asking me if I wanted to sit with them. They helped my daughter get settled into the children’s Sunday school class. They actually were nice to me. And I so needed it.
I have to be honest and tell you that I was so anxious I didn’t even really hear much of the Sunday sermon, that the preacher was giving. I was so ashamed of my life and myself that I just wanted to run out the door. But, something kept telling me to stay. So I did. I sat right there in the pew and closed my eyes and prayed, “Dear God, if you can hear me, help me.” That was it. That was all that I could muster. I wanted to say more, wanted to cry and tell God that I was sorry, I wanted to ask him to forgive me for the way that I was living my life, but I didn’t. I sat there until the service was over and then went to get my daughter. We left right away, because I was too anxious to talk with anybody. We went straight home and changed back into our normal, everyday clothes and went on with our lives.
After my first Sunday at church I started to listen to a local Christian radio station (FLN). My ex-husband became enraged. He said “if you are going to teach our daughter that sh**, then I am going to teach her to love the devil.” At first I was appalled. How could someone be so angry at God? Hate him so much that they would slam the radio off and then yell at you. I was just listening to music. Something inside of me told me to ignore him, so I did. I started listening to Christian music when he wasn’t around. I could feel the darkness around me fading. It was a slow process, I have to tell you, but, an amazing one. I wanted to get out of bed in the morning. Now, I didn’t jump out of bed screaming “hallelujah,” God has given me another day, and I am going to make the best of it. No, I got out of bed each morning with a new light in my life. Jesus was that light that showed me there was hope. Hope for the future. Hope for myself. Hope for my daughter. Hope to just get through today without wanting to kill myself. Hope. And it all started from that one day of going to church and telling God that I needed him in my life. Letting God be the light in my life was all I needed to start me on this amazing journey.
This is me today. I am very happy to announce that I am remarried with three kids. I love life. I still have my
down days, but I know where to turn to to make them better. Nothing is better than having a light in your life that
never goes out!!
Do you have a story about how you used to live in the dark, but God helped to rescue you into the light? Please leave a comment below.