Insecurity – No Longer Needed!!!
Finding Myself In A Book
I have fought with insecurity for years now. I have tried self-help books, Bible verses, Bible studies and more. I have come a long way from where I use to be, but I want to be someone who doesn’t let her mistakes bring her down. Down so low that I want to quit whatever it is that I started. That even happened with this website. Well no more, and I want to tell you why.
I have dealt with insecurity my whole life. Some people probably think that I am crazy for feeling this way, but I do. I have always been a petite girl with blond hair and blue eyes. I should be happy because I am beautiful on the outside, while inside I still fight my fears and insecurities.
I went through some pretty bad heart aches in my teen years and I let them determine what path that I choose. I was dumped by my first boyfriend who immediately started dating another girl. Then I bounced around from boyfriend to boyfriend, trying to find a place where I belonged. Not realizing that I never took the time to figure out who I really was. Then my senior year I fell in love with a boy that went into basic training for the army. I vowed to wait for him and I did, only to find out that when he had come home around Christmas time, he had slept with another girl in our town. That was it. I decided that I just wouldn’t care about anyone or anything anymore. This way no would could hurt me again. I kept everyone that I loved at arms length, knowing that I was leaving for college soon, far away.
I went off to college for one semester and lost myself even more. I fought so hard to fit in. I wanted everyone to like me. I sold myself short for who I really was and how much I was worth it. I became sad and scared at school, so I decided to come back home right after my first semester. I didn’t even believe in myself enough to stick it out through the spring semester.
When I came back home I went into an even deeper hole. I started using drugs, drinking all the time, moving from place to place at the age of 17. I would party to numb my insecurities. It would help me to be able to talk to other people. It also made me feel alive and cool. I hung out with people that didn’t care about me. I do not even talk to a single person today that I hung out with then. I was lost, confused and scared.
I met my ex-husband during one of these many parties that I went to. We started hanging out and things moved quickly. The only way to have a boy truly like you or stick around was to sleep with him, right, so I did. Three months into our relationship, we found out that I was pregnant. talk about crazy. We both loved to drink and do drugs, yet we were suppose to be good parents in less than 9 months, even though we only knew each other for such a short time.
We ended up getting our own place and having the baby. It was a girl. I had her 10 days after I turned 19. Within this whirlwind, I found myself crying a lot. I was so sad and fearful. My insecurities of, will I be a good enough mother, rang in my ears all the time. I was working as a CNA full time, while her dad worked as a wood builder and we tried to make it work.
For awhile being a mother, helped me to step my game up. I didn’t go out and drink nearly as much as I used to. My focus was on her and how I had to become a somebody for her. The problem was that her dad and I fought all the time. He was constantly controlling and would question me about my every move. We split up when she was 18 months, only to end up back together 9 months later. I believed that he would change.
We both started to go to college. We both worked at least a part time job as well. Then we tried to be good parents in the middle of it all. He ended up with a DWI one night and now instead of two people being able to drive to college, there was only one. Which wouldn’t have been so bad had his college not been in the opposite direction as mine. I kept trying to tell my family about all of the good things that he was doing. Hiding the real truth. I didn’t want anyone to know how bad it really was. I didn’t want anyone to come to our house, afraid that it wasn’t clean enough. I didn’t like to cook anything for others, knowing that I was a horrible cook, or so I thought. The insecurities started to choke the life out of me.
Then for some dumb reason we decided that we would get married. It only seemed right that after being together for 6 years that we should take the next step in our relationship. Our daughter was now 5 years old, I was 24 and the future looked bright, even though it was in false pretense. I ended up with a teaching job, as a kindergarten teacher 3 months later. He started his own business as an electrician. We even bought a beautiful new house. Life seemed like it might actually work out for us, but that notion lasted only a short time. He started drinking again and doing drugs. I think that the stress of the new business along with keeping up with our bills from the new house was too much.
He became Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. When he wasn’t drinking he was a great husband and dad. But when he was drinking or on drugs he was physically and emotionally abusive. He started being controlling again, but much worse this time. He would yell at me for putting on make-up, accusing me of cheating on him. He controlled what I wore to work or anywhere outside of the house. He started telling me that I was a horrible cook. Why couldn’t I keep the house clean like a real wife? Everything that I did, was met with a negative statement. I with drew from everything. I started not going to functions with friends. I wouldn’t talk with my family as much. I didn’t even want to get out of bed.
Then the physical abuse came. Always letting me know that it was my fault. No matter what I did, it was never right. I was told repeatedly that I was crazy and that no one beside him could ever love me. He let me know that I was the one who was ruining the marriage. Man, how I believed him. I was so beaten down, I didn’t even no I was worth anything anymore.
The Turn Around
One day my mom called me and said that she was sending me a program she had seen for anxiety and depression. At first I thought that she was crazy, but once I received it, I started to realize who badly misshaped I was on the inside. I felt like I had no value. I would sweat and become scared if I was around a lot of people. I would physically have to leave places because I thought that I was going to lose it and people would really see that I was crazy. That everything my ex-husband was saying would come true.
I started doing the anxiety and depression program on my own at night, so that my ex-husband wouldn’t find out. It was a 15 week program and everyday I started to feel better. By about the 10th week into the program I realized that I still needed more help, so I started to see a counselor, again without my ex-husband knowing. The counselor that I went to was a Christian counselor. She helped me to see that all the things that I thought about myself, were not true. She helped me to see my self worth from God’s perspective. I even started going to church on Sundays. Even though my ex-husband would throw a fit and threaten to teach our daughter about the devil.
Finally, I started to devise a plan on how to leave my ex-husband and still live. He threatened to kill me so many times if I ever decided to leave him, and I believed that he would. It took me months but, I finally figured out a plan. On August 25, 2008 I left. I moved in with my step-mom and never looked back. I would like to say that I have not had any problems with insecurity since then and that I lived happily ever after, but not true.
The Black Cloud That Never Leaves
Since my leaving my ex-husband I have grown in God so much. I started going to a ladies’ Bible study, church every Sunday, even Sunday school. The more that I immersed myself in God, the more I felt happier, calmer, less fearful about somethings. I even gave control of my life to God. I still have times when I feel scared and insecure and I still wait sometimes for something bad to happen. This fear will not leave me.
I am now remarried with 3 kids. They are 15, 8 and 5. I have been married for a little over 4 years and my current husband is amazing. He is a hard worker, great dad, loving husband, and does not get drunk. He is my everything and with that comes the fear.
You see, I found out that my ex-husband had also been cheating on me for quite sometime with a girl that was much younger than me. I found out that it was really true after I left him. I had been told that he was cheating on me, when I was 6 months pregnant with our second child. This was the second time that someone that I cared about had not been faithful. I kept questioning myself. There had to be a problem with me. For two different people to have slept with someone else while we were together, made me sick with insecurity. And now here I am with someone else that vows to be faithful, and sometimes all I can feel, is fear. Fear that he will leave me. Fear that he will cheat on me. Fear of being hurt again. Just fear.
The black cloud of fear that is caused by insecurity, just doesn’t leave me alone. I have read numerous Christian self help books on insecurity, trying to claw my way out of the storm. I have read the Bible and prayed for it to go away, and it is better now, but it still shows up when I least expect it. I have even written Bible verses on cards and memorized them trying to break free, but I keep falling and in the process hurting those that I love the most.
So What Changed?
Last night I was taking a bath and reading a book called “The Hope Quotient HQ,” by Ray Johnston. In this book he talks about how, if we have hope, then we can accomplish anything. I was reading his section on “Life Strategy 3 – Shake It Off and Step Up.” He talked about how everyone fails in life, but that those who brush themselves off and get up again will be able to make “God-sized” dreams come to life. Then he wrote “Fear – I’m filled with insecurity. ‘God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind.’ (2 Timothy 1:7)” I stopped reading, got out of the tub immediately and started working on this blog.
You see, God literally slapped me in the face with this verse. The rush of excitement and knowing that this is it, was all I could take. I just started typing and I haven’t stopped since. The emotions are flooding out of me as I take a deep breath and realize that my self worth has been right there in front of me all along. I didn’t need a self-help book, or counselor or even anyone else around me to validate who I am. God has already done this for me.
I have known that Jesus died for me even while I am a sinner, yet he still washed away my sins. I do not have to be super mom, or an amazing wife or even someone that changes the world. I can just be myself. The stay-at-home mom, who homeschools her kids and a wife. I can breathe and stop worrying about trying to be more than I am. Trying to do great things so that others will notice me and compliment me and maybe then it will make me feel worth while. This whole time, the one thing that I needed to take away my fear was right in front of me. I was just too busy, stuck in my own head, trying to do works to prove my self-worth to myself and the world around me. “And if he chose them by grace, it is not for the works they have done. If they could be made God’s people by the works they did, God’s gift of grace would not really be a gift.” (Romans 11:6). I do not have to prove myself to anyone by the works that I do, God’s grace is sufficient enough.
So as I sit here, typing a hundred miles a minute, I feel free. Free from the bondage that Satan put on me when I was little. The bondage of insecurity. The feeling that I would never be good enough. How many times has my fear and insecurity held me back from doing things that I have wanted to do? How many times have I fought with my current husband over my insecurities? How many more times will this happen? Well I say NO MORE!! Satan can take all of his lies and go back to Hell where he came from. I am a daughter of God and it is about time that I started to act like it.
I know that I will fall into my old habit of feeling scared and insecure sometimes, but now I know that I do not have to play along. I am good enough just the way that I am. I will remind myself that every time that I start feeling insecure and stay there, that I am really letting Satan win. I am too good for that, my family is too good for that and we all deserve better.
I pray that all of you that are held captive by your fears and insecurities will read this and remind yourself of your worth in God. Don’t walk to him, run. Let him know that you need him, because until you know your worth in God, your fears will continue to haunt you like a black cloud.
I pray that you give everyone reading this blog, including me, the strength and protection to move forward from our fears. Help us to stand strong when it feels like the black cloud of insecurity is coming to rain on us again. Show us the light at the end of the storm. I know that you love us just the way that we are, now help us to believe it so deeply that it becomes all that we know. Thank you Lord for sending your son, Jesus, to die for us. That type of love should never be forgotten and should remind us how much you love us. Amen.