I’ve Had it!!! I Just Want to Run Away!!!
I have had it. I just can not seem to keep up with all the things that need to be done. I can not seem to make anyone happy, including myself. I just want to throw my hands up, get in my car and go hide in a coffee shop for a long time. What happened?
Yesterday the kids didn’t want to listen at all. Every time that I turned my back they were at each other’s throat. They were yelling, hitting and whining all at the same time. I tried to keep my cool, but, I couldn’t get a single word in. My middle child (8 year old girl), kept talking back, blaming her brother for everything, and yelling constantly. I really tried to stay calm, but I had had it. I blew up!!! I started yelling, making my youngest cry. I sent my middle child to her room, just so that I could regain my composure, but the minute that she came out of her room she would start to yell, being mean to her brother, and then blaming it on him. I wanted to send her to public school so badly, but I can’t. God has asked us to homeschool and I have to honor his command. So instead I went and hid in the bathroom. I took a bath with some lavender oils in it. Trying to reset my emotions button, but it didn’t work. I started to cry and just sat in the tub crying for awhile. Finally, I started reading a book, trying to occupy my mind with better thoughts.
That night we were trying to make homemade pizzas together. Everything was actually going quite well. The kids were getting along, things were calm when it came to the fighting, we seemed happy. Then my youngest went to play on the wii while my middle child and I finished the last pizza. I was cutting up some vegetables to put on top of the last pizza, when all of a sudden she said that she was going to look at the new treasure map book. “OK,” I said. So I kept cutting the vegetables. When I finished cutting them, I started to put the vegetables on top of the last pizza, when I hear someone yelling at me “MOM, I wanted to do that.” I turn around and of course, see my middle daughter standing there with her hand on her hip, scowling at me. I am baffled. I do not remember her asking to help me put the vegetables on the pizza. As I start to talk to her, she continues yelling at me, “But, I told you that I wanted to do that.” So I try to tell her that I didn’t put all the vegetables on the pizza, and that she could finish. Instead of being ok with that, she continues her yelling tirade. That was it!!! I looked at her and told her to “Zip her lips, NOW!!!” I can feel my blood rising. I know that if she doesn’t stop talking, I will want to spank her, which I do not like to do at all. She sits down at the kitchen table and stops talking. Thank you God. I turned around and continued to finish the pizza, all the while yelling at her inside of my head. My face feels hot from anger and I just want to explode. Nothing good ever comes out of an explosion though. Finally, I turn around, got down to my middle child’s level and talked to her about how sad she was making me. She looked liked she was listening and that it was making a difference.
Around dinner time we had to leave and take my oldest daughter back to school. She had to work at the concession stands during the basketball game that night. We ran back home to eat dinner quickly, before leaving for Kids Club at our local work. I had to stay this week, to help at Kids Club, they were short on help. So I am driving to the church, saying positive thoughts in my head over and over again. Trying to remind myself how much I love to be around kids. Then my stomach starts to hurt. Really?? Can’t I get a brake today.
Well, I made it into the church and started to help in the craft room, all the while praying that my stomach would make it. Well, just then, I started to pass some gas, at least it was quiet, now I was just hoping that it didn’t smell. Then the kids came in to do their craft. The first group did a great job. They were listening, working quietly. Then the second team comes in and they are loud, roudy and hard to calm down so we could tell them the directions on how to do their craft. Thank goodness the head teacher, who was not me, was a pro at getting them settled down. They started to work on their craft and for the most part did a great job. Till it was time to transition, they started to be loud, yelling and putting their crafts on their head. The worst part of it all, was that my middle child was the one being the loudest and was not listening to the craft leader. Finally, the craft leader just looked at her and said, “You are being rude.” She did stop and listen to the leader for the most part, but I was just disgusted by then. Of course, she is the one misbehaving.
So after craft time, all the kids go out for singing time in the big downstairs room together. We had two kids sliding on the floor, not listening to anyone. I went over to just stand by them, so that they didn’t hurt themselves or anyone else, all the while watching my daughter hit others around her with her bandanna. I tried to get her attention by just giving her the look and hoping that she would see me, but with no luck. So I walked over and said “Stop it.” We made it out of church in one piece. I didn’t fall apart and no one seemed to notice that my stomach was hurting, or that I had been passing gas pretty much the whole night. We headed to the car and got in. We had to take my middle daughter’s friend home, so this caused another big argument when we got into the van. My youngest wanted to sit in the back seat with them, while my middle child wanted none of that. I just closed the van door and kept praying that God would help me keep my cool. I started the van up and waited for the kids to buckle up, which they did with minimal arguing. After that I ran my daughter’s friend home. I kept looking in the rear view mirror wondering what I was doing wrong as a mom. Why were my kids acting up so much lately? They seemed to turning into little selfish people that talked back, didn’t want to do school or chores. All they seem to want to do is whine, be mean to each other and drive me nuts.
By the time that we got home I was at the very end of my rope. I told my middle child to get ready for bed immediately. I told my youngest to get his pajamas on and he could watch one show, before he went to bed. Thank God, that my husband took over, because my middle child started to protest and whine about having to go to bed. She kept saying that she didn’t do anything wrong and shouldn’t have to go to bed. I looked at her like she had three heads. What did she mean that she didn’t do anything wrong? If I had to sit down and tell her about all the things that she did wrong that day I would be there for a good hour. Didn’t she remember all the times that mommy yelled at her that day? Didn’t she see all the times that she made me and her little brother cry? I was so angry that I just walked away. I felt so defeated.
I went and put on my fuzzy pajamas and sat down with my little boy to snuggle. The whole time, thinking about how useless I felt. I must be the worst mom in the whole world. I not only yelled at my kids numerous times that day, but it didn’t seemed like they had learned anything from it. I wanted to hop in my car and drive to the local coffee shop and just sit there for hours. I even had thoughts that day about putting them into public school. But, I had to keep reminding myself that was not an option. Oh, if I could just relax my mind and my emotions. So I started to pray. “God, help this mess of a woman. I want to be that mom that helps her kids to care about others. That use their manners and are easier to be around. Help me to calm down. Help me to be a better mom. Just HELP ME!!!” And I just continued to sit there, reminding myself that I was not going to cry again, when God decided to answer me, “Do not think about who they are now, instead think about what they can become.” I can do that God. So my hope of who they will become sustained me for the night.
By the time that I put my son to bed that night, I was exhausted. I felt like I had been run over by a tractor trailer. My body hurt, my brain felt like mush. So I went to bed myself and prayed tomorrow would be a better day.
Do you ever have days like this? Please comment below and let me know that I am not alone.