Overcoming Our Demons
Life has had times where I felt lost, depressed and didn’t know what to do. Times where my inner demons have screamed so loudly in my ear, that the thought of running away from the situation was the only thing that I wanted to do. Trying to overcome those demons on my own never seemed to work. My will power would start strong then take a nose dive, as my flesh grew weaker by the minute. But, finding a source of power that gave me strength, when I felt weak, was all I needed to start overcoming those demons.
Trying To Fix Life On My Own
I started dating my ex-husband right before I turned 18. We met at a party. We both liked to drink and have a “good time”. That is all that we did for the first few months of our relationship. This led to us becoming pregnant within the first three months and the baby came just as we had been together for a year. A 19 year old and 21 year old, trying to figure out how to take care of a baby, live on our own and work. The realization came that we couldn’t go out to drink or party anymore, we had a baby to take care of. Try as we might, that old life style kept screaming at us, as our friends still went out all the time. They would tell us about the parties that they went to. The fun that they had. And we just felt left out and sad. On one hand we wanted to be the best parents that we could be. On the other hand, our selfish flesh wanted to have fun like everyone else.
So we would go out here and there, but the flesh always seemed to want more. More time to party. More time to drink. More time to just be a kid, so I thought. What I didn’t realize back then, was that was not how God wanted me to live at all. I had turned so far away from God back then, I didn’t see Him in anything around me. All I saw was my life, my wants, my selfish needs.
Fast forward 5 years later. That baby was now a little girl, who was in kindergarten. I was now a kindergarten teacher. We had just gotten married and bought a new house. As I learned to stop living my life so much for myself and to start loving others, I felt this hole in my life. Like, something pulling on me to turn around. I started going to church again. This need to find the thing that was pulling me grew. I had to find out what it was.
Going home, I would find a husband yelling at me for going to church. He kept saying that he was going to teach her to love Satan instead. I was so weak. My demons always won. I would yell back. I would put him down as much as he did me. I would hurt him to make myself feel better. Anything to puff up my own pride.
Things grew worse. I didn’t learn to lean on God. I saw God as someone that existed on a Sunday morning. Someone that made my feel good for a few hours once a week. I never thought to pray, read the Bible or let God be in control of my life. I didn’t need him. I was strong enough on my own. Or so I thought.
As my marriage spiraled out of control, physical abuse erupted. Verbal abuse happened everyday. The yelling, the shoving, the crying, the wanting to die grew bigger. But, I kept trying to figure it out and fix it on my own. And every time that I thought, stay calm, don’t yell, don’t engage in his madness, I did. I would give in and let my own prideful demons throw up all over my life again. Leaving the stench of abuse all around me. It got so bad one night, that as he came towards me again to hurt me, I grabbed the pan off the stove and whacked him in the head. He fell like a tall stiff tree to the ground and laid there. He didn’t move a muscle, and I didn’t care. I calmly called 911. The police showed up and took me away to a safe place. This was the 14th time they had been to my house in the last 2 years for domestic violence. They knew exactly what to do. And, as I left, I looked back at person who I had injured so badly, lying on the floor bleeding. I had done that. I had let my demons control me again.
Giving My Life To God
Fast forward again, two years later I now lived with my mom. I was separated from husband, filing for divorce. The want to go out and drink away all my problems was pretty strong. Surprisingly though, I turned to God. I started going to church all the time. I did a ladies’ Bible study once a week. I even played indoor soccer at the church. I dove into God looking for relief and he brought it.
It didn’t come all at once, but it did come. Nine months after leaving my husband, I was baptized with my oldest daughter. I found new life again. I felt in control for the first time ever. Now, I am not saying that life was all roses and everything was just peachy keen, but things started to change. I used to have these feelings that something bad was going to happen all the time. I was just waiting for the next bomb to drop. I felt on edge and anxious all the time. When, I started to pray and give it to God, slowly and little by little, the anxiety started to go away.
Fast forward again, 7 years later, I am now remarried with three kids. I homeschool the two younger ones and try to spread the good word of God through this website and the way that I live my life. I can still fall down sometimes and did so recently. My current husband and I, have for years argued about sex. He wants it more, I want it less. He feels rejected, I feel annoyed. He gets depressed from it all, I feel like I am a disappointment to him. We have tried to talk about it. We have even prayed about it. But nothing has seemed to work. So finally, we gave it to God, like we should have done years ago, but our own stubborn pride kept us thinking that we could figure it out on our own. Boy, was I so wrong. After many argument and down times, we are finally headed in the right direction. I don’t feel so anxious about sex with my husband anymore. The annoyance and feeling of having to have sex with him is slowly receding. We will still have to keep taking the matter to God, but I feel such a peace about our future now.
The Demons in All of Us
We all have demons. Maybe you were sexually abused when you were younger. You still feel dirty, angry at the person that hurt you, ashamed at the way that you feel when you have sex with your spouse, or the lack of wanting to be intimate with your spouse. Or just the opposite. Maybe you sleep with others to feel wanted, to fill the hole that is inside of you.
Maybe you are addicted to drugs. You want to be the spouse, son/daughter, friend that you know you can be. But, every time you try to stop using, you find that something happens and you are addicted all over again.
Maybe, you are a spouse that has a secret in your life that you haven’t told anyone about yet. You are so ashamed at the secret and are worried about what people will think about you if they find out.
Maybe, you are a stay-at-home mom, who hates staying at home. You want so badly to love your kids the way that you know you should, but you find yourself out of patience, yelling and putting them down all the time.
Maybe, you spend money when you know that you shouldn’t. You go to the store just to buy a few things and leave with tons more than you wanted. You try to stop yourself, but that new pair of shoes, or a new electronic, wins you over.
Maybe, you are an alcoholic. You try to only have one drink, but that leads to another and another and before you know it, you are hurting the ones that you love the most. You want to stop so badly, but the taste for alcohol wins out every time.
There are so many ways that we all fight our demons. Mine right now is insecurity which leads to anger. I get easily offended when my husband talks to me about my lack of involvement in the bedroom. After my last two relationships, where both ended up with the other person cheating on me, it is a sore subject. But, I know that with God this too will past. I do not have to be held in bondage to Satan’s lies and tricks to try to ruin my life. I will run to God. I will prevail. And if I fall down again, God will help me to get back up.
The Gift From God
You see, Jesus died for us on Good Friday only to rise again on Easter day. He washed away our sins, our guilt, our shame. We only have to take it to the cross and leave it there. Truly repenting and turning away from our sins. It is NOT a light hearted adventure. It is a soul changing, gut wrenching, look yourself straight in the eyes, type of adventure. It is one, that will hurt at first. Knowing that God is right there though, helps to heal the wound completely.
So, if you are struggling with demons, like we all do, lay them down at the cross today. Jesus died for you to live. He gave his body, his life, his words, his heart, his hands to heal you. To make you the person that God wants you to be. Don’t wait!! Don’t turn away and say yeah I will do that another day. Right now!! Now is the time to stop and pray.
Pray to God and ask him to forgive you. Tell Him that you give your whole life to Him. That you are sick and tired of trying to live this life on your own. Trying to beat the demons that live within, through your own will power. That you need Him. That without Him those demons will keep winning. Fall on your knees and just pray.
If you have never given your life to God before, now is the time. All you have to do is pray. Where ever you are right now, stop and pray. Tell God that you believe that Jesus died for you on the cross. That you know that He sent His one and only son to die for our sins. Let Him know that you want Him to come into your life. And He will. The Holy Spirit will come to live inside of you. You will become a whole new person.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has
passed away; behold, the new has come.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)
I pray that this Easter, doesn’t pass you by with just another day of bunny rabbits and colored eggs. That you see what Easter truly means and find peace in the One True God, that will help you to have victory over all of your demons.