Fear of the Unknown
So I have been working the last two months as a waitress. And let me tell you, it is not as easy as when I was in my early twenties. I go home some days exhausted, sore but grateful that I have a job.
I look at my husband, who has been laid off at home since October and sometimes I feel frustrated. How can someone with a Bachelor’s Degree in Mechanical Engineering, not find a job??? But, I know that he has applied to numerous jobs. He has gone on a few interviews and nothing has panned out. He has been offered jobs if we want to move, that is not happening. So the What Ifs have started to creep in.
What if my husband doesn’t find a job by the time I need to start homeschooling again?? In September I will be tutoring at my local Classical Conversations homeschool group. I am so excited to be a tutor. I used to be a public school teacher and I miss the kids a lot, so being able to have my own classroom again is like a God send. I also run our local youth fall soccer program. So in Septmber and October I am really busy. If my husband doesn’t find a job, I am not sure that I will be able to do these things that I love.
What if I have to keep working at my job in the fall, what will homeschooling look like?? My husband has already said that he will help teach the kids in the fall, if we need to. I am so grateful to hear that he will do whatever needs to be done, and maybe it is the teacher within me, but I want to be the one who homeschools our kids in the fall. I feel like I already know what I am doing and that I am able to help them the most when it comes to their educational needs.
What if we can not figure out a way to financially meet our families needs?? I think about our bills right now and feel a little overwhelmed. I know in about 4 years we will be a lot better off financially. A lot of our debt will be paid off, it’s just getting to that point. I also know that there are certain things that we can do without, including out t.v., certain groceries and other things. I feel frustrated to be back at this point. I mean I have a Masters Degree in Elementary Education and my husband has a Bachelors Degree. We thought that we would be much better off financially than we are.
My, what ifs, could keep going all day if I let them, but I refuse to live that way anymore.
Releasing the Anxiety
So after a few sleepless nights, I sat down to analyze why I couldn’t sleep. What was going on in my life that was robbing me of my peace?? It led me to realize that I hadn’t been spending time with God. I would wake-up in the morning, get ready for work, or sleep in later because I was tired. I didn’t start my day with the One who controls everything. The One who gives me peace and understanding. The One who gives me strength in my times of need. Things needed to change and they did.
I made it a point to get out of bed, no matter what and spend time with God. I have to have His wisdom and Word wash over me in the morning to allow the anxiety to go away. All of my what ifs have seemed to be quieted.
” Those who try to hold on to their lives will give up true life.
Those who give up their lives for me will hold on to true life.”
I have been so busy focusing on what I want, here in my earthly life, that I am not listening to God. I am not giving up my life to Him. I want to be in control again because life has felt uncomfortable lately. I want things to go back to the way that they were when my husband had a good job, I stayed home and took care of the house and the kids. That was comfortable to me. But what if God is trying to lead us in a new direction. In the middle of my stubbornness I may be missing God’s plans for our family. I may be missing another adventure.
So today as I am writing this to you, I reminding myself who is in control. Reminding myself that I need God. That I can try to run my own life and my family’s life right along with it, but where will that take us, say 10 years down the road. Now that is a scary thought.
I throw my hands up and give this problem to God. Because if I try to figure it out on my own, we are going to be in trouble.
May you see your need for God. Stop trying to figure life out on your own. Put your hands up to God, right now. Tell Him that He can take whatever problem it is that you have. That He can figure it out for you. Then spend time in prayer and reading the Bible everyday. Just listen and know that God will show you the way. May all of our eyes and ears be truly opened to see what God is trying to show us.
I posted this one year ago. My husband now has a great job. God is good at all times!!